


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,160

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [44]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 07:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7881148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The weekly satirical saga continues... THE TUSSLE ON TATOOINE: Mace "Kilgore" Windu vs. Obi "Ben" Kenobi in the ultimate showdown. Who will be the victor?!</p><p>www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,160

TATOOINE - Day 1,160:

The second sun peeked its burning face over the horizon. A new day, and possibly the last day for someone on top of this rock formation. With the twin suns finally reunited, they illuminated the barren landscape. Now I could now see a trickle of blood on Kilgore's head. 

The bastard can bleed!

"You bitch," he said, getting to one knee. "You trifling, petty, little bitch." He raised his head making eye contact with me for the first time. "We used to be friends, Kenobi. Then you sneak up on a mothafucka and try to bash his skull in?! What the hell is that?!"

"Well, in all fairness you were trying to slaughter an innocent child." I gave him a whisper of a smile as I spoke. 

Kilgore got to his feet, and shook the droplets of blood from his face. "Innocent? That boy ain't innocent, Kenobi. He's the spawn of pure evil, and I will snuff that bastard out!" He ignited his saber, causing a purple glow to reflect off his shiny black life-suit. 

"And what about you, Kilgore?"

"Excuse me?" he said, raising his lightsaber. 

"What about you?" I lit my saber. "Aren't you evil?"

"You know what always chapped my bald-ass head about you, Kenobi?" He moved towards me. "You were always such a goddamn goody goody!"

Thrusting towards me, I deflected his attack, but nearly had my saber knocked out of my hand. He flipped into the air and attempted to bring his blade down on my head, but I spun behind him and gave his back a thump with my elbow. This was a different Mace Windu, his boring fighting style and even more boring personality was gone. This new "Kilgore" persona definitely had the dark side in him. 

"So tell me...Kilgore," I said, kicking him in the chest, "how does one become a Sith in just two years time?" I ducked beneath his blade, avoiding being scalped. "I mean, is there some kind of correspondence class, or something?"

"No, asshole!" He blocked my backhanded swing. "I trained with a Sith." 

He struck me in the mouth with the hilt of his lightsaber, then came back around and sliced across my chest. I immediately stumbled back. The pain was immeasurable, and the smell of my own burning flesh sickened me. He wasted no time, and pounced, slashing my knee. I fell to the ground. This time I was ready for his assault, and I kicked him squarely in the nuts with my good leg, and used the momentum to flip him over me. He landed on his back with a righteous thud against the rocky surface. For a few seconds both of us attempted to get over the pain. 

"So...you're claiming," it was hard to catch my breath, "that either...Darth Vader or Emperor...Palpatine trained you...in the ways of the Sith?"

"No," he said, slowly getting to his knees, "there is another."

My right knee cap had been severed in half, causing that leg to become useless. So I quickly hobbled up on my left leg. Kilgore was already standing. 

"This is the end, Kenobi. Only one of us is leaving this place alive. And I'll let you in on a little secret," he leaned in and whispered in the most obnoxious way, "it's not going to be you."

"So who trained you?" I wasn't stalling, I genuinely needed to know. 

"Ha! Kenobi, you're a funny little bastard. I'm not going to tell you."

"Why not?" 

"Because dummy," he smirked, "I don't want to ruin the surprise."

"But if you're going to kill me right here and now, why not tell me?" I baited him. 

"Listen!" He raised his voice, clearly growing angry. "You're a sneaky dude, Kenobi, always pulling some last minute secret Jedi shit out of your ass. So to put it simply, I don't trust you to die!"

Using the Force I pushed the pain from my mind, and slowly straightened my leg. While concentrating, I could use my bad leg for balance, but nothing more. Kilgore was going to have to bring the battle to me. I needed to coax him closer in order to continue our fight using lightsabers, in order to avoid him from using his unbreakable Force choke on me. 

"So why didn't you die when I threw you off that cliff?"

"I did die that day, Kenobi." He took a step closer. "It was a jagged rock hitting my chest that ended my literal fall, and my figurative fall from being a Jedi. All my internal organs were damaged, I had a broken back and neck, but my head missed the rock. So I still had my mind."

"Sorry about that," I grinned. "Today I'll try and drop you head first."

We crossed blades a few times, but it was just a formality. Kilgore wanted me to know what happened to him. "A little Force persuasion directed towards passing Jawas got me a ride to Jabba's palace. Luckily that slug was off-world, so I convinced his underlings to fund my reconstruction, leading them to believe it was Jabba's wishes. I received the best medical care Force persuasion could buy, then I set out to find a new Master."

"Please tell me it was Master Yoda," I tried to say it with a straight face, "I can't find that little green turd anywhere."

Kilgore shook his head. "You're stalling technique is as clumsy as your fighting technique." 

He launched his Force lightning at me which I absorbed with my saber, but I feared the choking would soon follow. 

All at once I heard the beautiful sound of a jetpack, and I knew my reinforcement had arrived. Boba Fett landed between us. Kilgore was as surprised as I'd hoped he would be. "What are you doing here, fool?"

"The boy said you were in trouble. That you needed my help."

"No dumbass, I don't!" Realizing my plan, Kilgore immediately lifted his hand and raised me off the ground by my throat. 

"B...oba," I struggled to get the word out. 

"What's he saying?" Boba asked. 

"Nothing, now go back to the base!" Kilgore ordered. 

"Boba...don...leav..."

Boba shot off the ground and headed towards the horizon. Kilgore's electronic voice squealed with laughter. "That was your ace in the hole, mothafucka?!"

I began kicking wildly trying to break free. I felt myself starting to to black out, then as if in a dream I saw Boba Fett hovering beside me. "What do you want from me, Kenobi?"

With my last breath I exhaled twice, each was a one syllable word, "He...Mace..." Then blackness. 

I woke as I fell to the ground, and heard the muffled sounds of two people arguing. 

"You're nothing but a daddy's boy, bitch?"

"You killed my father!"

"What'chu gonna do about it, clone? Lose your head?! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

There was a whooshing sound as I felt the heat of Boba's flamethrower. Then silence. When I was finally able to look up I saw two blurry figures. Kilgore stood erect, and Boba Fett was on one knee bowing down to him. 

What is this crazy shit?! 

"Kenobi, look at me," Kilgore commanded. "This was a demonstration of my power. All my bounty hunters are slaves to my persuasion."

"No!" I screamed. "That's impossible!"

Kilgore turned to Boba Fett, "Who killed your precious daddy?"

"You did Master," he answered without any inflection in his voice. 

I turned my body while on the ground and desperately started to crawl away from them. I called over my shoulder, "Boba is immune to mind tricks. I've tried it on him before and it didn't work."

"Silly Jedi," Kilgore's voice came from behind, "that's because you don't possess the power of the dark side."

As I crawled I heard whispers, then footsteps, and someone grabbed my ankle. "No Boba, the other leg," Kilgore instructed. 

Boba Fett lifted me off the ground by the ankle of my injured leg. The pressure on my shattered knee was unspeakable. A horrible scream echoed throughout the dunes. I thought to myself, "That poor bastard." Then realized the person screaming was me. 

The bounty hunter had me dangling upside down over the cliff's edge. Desperate to stay conscious, I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force. 

Kilgore's voice was nothing more than an echo off in the distance, "Now who's gonna get dropped on their head, bitch?"

I continued to reach out to the Force, but remembered the words Qui-Gon had said to me the night before. He told me to let go off my anger and to reject everything that Kilgore believed in. So with that wisdom, instead of stretching out with the Force, I turned inward. I journeyed into myself. Suddenly I could feel the conflict that was going on within Boba's mind. 

With my eyes still closed, I telepathically told Boba that he had the right to be upset about his father's death, and that his murderer was standing behind us. I instructed him to place me down on the rocky surface, which he did. Then I stood. There was no pain in my knee. Eyes closed, I lifted my hand and repelled Kilgore's Force choke. Eyes closed, I swung my saber with a maddening, but disciplined, speed. Eyes closed, I felt myself dancing around Kilgore, deflecting all of his blows and completely overpowering him. 

I heard his saber fall. There was a moment of silence, then Boba's jetpack engaged and I heard the two men struggling while moving rapidly across the rocky terrain. Then they tumbled over the edge. 

With eyes still closed, I collapsed.


End file.
